I'm feeling out of sorts lately. As our visit home nears and end, and - being the procrastinator I am - the pace gets a little too 'frenetic' for my liking, I am feeling a little...for lack of a better word...funky. I have things I want to say, experiences I want to write about but I'm either being edited by folks around me (one such experience involves a very negative/judgmental encounter with a family member - hence the silence) or I simply just can't find my groove. I am feeling overwhelmed on both the macro level (twin pregnancy, our life getting turned up-side down, where will we store our boat?) and micro level (have to get my license renewed, last minute errands, packing) and when I tend to get overwhelmed, I go into shut-down mode. It's not the trait I am proudest of, that is for sure. But here I am, doing nothing, and zoning out to HGTV like a home-improvement junkie. I just don't have the energy for anything else at the moment.
All of this is compounded by the feeling that I don't feel right neither here nor there. While there is a huge part of me that is excited to get back to the boat, there's also a part of me that is kind of dreading it as well: the extreme heat, the fact that we will be literally greeted by a boat-load of projects, the realization that we have to make a lot of hard decisions in the coming months. Then there are the minor "issues" that are nagging at me: will we return to a resurrection of our former cockroach "issue"? Will our boat be overtaken by mold and mildew? Did I prep her for our hiatus well enough? We'll find out soon. Coming back to a boat that's been sitting in the water for weeks always feels like a bit of a crap shoot to me, despite our strict standards of procedure.
On the flip side, as sad as I am to leave after what feels like another whirl-wind visit where we only got to see three quarters of the people we wanted, I don't feel exactly "home" here either. For the past three years this has been a great place to swoop in, see friends, and stock up on supplies we can't get down island. Now - with the realization that this is going to be a bit more "permanent" than originally planned - I am feeling strange. I like to visit. I like the impermanence of it. I like living on a boat. I like that our life is always just one wind shift away from taking a completely different course. The fact that I'll be returning in December - in the dead of winter, no less - for what will be a much longer visit than ever expected, I am feeling sad. I know, I know...file this under "first world problems" because coming home is going to come with an abundance of awesomeness as well. No matter how you slice the pie that is our life Scott and I are incredibly blessed and lucky, so I should just buck up and get over it. But I am also human. And sometimes we humans get in funks, regardless of how wonderful our lives are.
So that's where I am at right now. I feel a bit stymied on the blogging front, despite feeling like I have a lot to say. I am totally hopped up on pregnancy hormones. I am feeling tremendously overwhelmed by all the decisions we have to make and the incredible life changes that are on the horizon and I'm trying to navigate my way through it. So, sorry to be a Debby Downer but this is where I am at right now. Maybe a dose of Caribbean sunshine is just what the doctor ordered? Or maybe I just need to marinate in this for a hot minute and let it roll...