Monday, January 13, 2020

First we Break. Then, we Grow


I couldn't believe when I opened the Blogger browser my homepage popped right up. Like I'd posted yesterday, like I'm not a stranger to this place, as if I'm here regularly. But not so. It's been well over a year since I wrote (I don't even remember my password to get in here), with my writing tapering off considerably the year before that. And many of you wondered "why?" The simple answer is this: when you are going through hell, it is very, very hard to write about it. You must get through it, and write about it on the other side.

I'm back. I'm not on the other side yet, not even close I'm afraid, but I'm at a place of reflection where I finally feel ready to share. I knew this time would come, because the need to write - to share, connect - for me, is as integral to my life as food and drink. Not writing hurt me deep in my soul, and I was lost without it, but I didn't want to force it or rush it, because that wouldn't be fair. Sure, I could've ignored the elephant in the room and written happily about this day or that, but it didn't feel right. It didn't feel honest. How could I write about a lovely day at the beach with the kids, while something so momentous and life-changing was going on in the background? How could I not give credence to that? I simply couldn't. So, I sat. Stuck.

I haven't been completely gone, as most of you know. I have been posting little glimpses into my life on Instagram (and Facebook) which has mildly satiated my urge to share. But as we all know (or should know) by now, no life is accurately depicted in a series of prettily arranged boxes on your screen. A picture might be worth a thousand words, but no picture could (or really, should) sum up what has been happening behind the liquid crystal curtain we all sit behind. Some of you began reading between the lines, and noticed something was amiss. But I wasn't ready to explain, to tell. The time wasn't right and, frankly, putting it out there would make everything more real, tangible and painful. Also? Many of you are not going to like what I am going to say and I will, once again, be opened up for scrutiny, judgement and God knows what else for telling my story.

As I alluded to in my New Year Instagram post, Scott and I have separated. We have been separated for a year now. While I understand this will come as a tremendous shock to many of you, to almost everyone closer to us, it was not. The demise of our marriage wasn't an implosion, or sudden impulse (as some might wish to believe) driven by rash decisions or clouded judgement, it was, rather, a slow erosion that began many, many years ago. It's impossible to say exactly what went wrong, if we could've altered course to change the outcome, or if we were just ill-suited from the get go... Suffice it to say, I have learned a lot this last year, and one of the things I have learned is that everyone has a story. And, more often than not, their story will serve their views and opinions. They will grab on for dear life to that story, convince others their story is true, and believe wholeheartedly that their version is the "right" version. But - as with all stories - there are two sides. What is truth for one person, is not the truth for another.The real story often lies somewhere in the middle. But the bottom line is, Scott and I were not good together. We both made a lot of mistakes over the years, hurting each other terribly in the process, while consistently and systematically bringing out the very worst in each other. By the time we realized how bad it had gotten (after years of on and off therapy), it was too late. I had nothing left to give and had been worn down to a version of myself I no longer knew. I truly saw no way out of the devastating and terribly unhealthy cycle and put a final stake in our marriage by finding refuge elsewhere, thus kicking off the most painful and difficult year of my life while simultaneously shattering the image I had unwittingly created of "the perfect family".

You see, breaking up a marriage is one thing. Breaking up a family? That's another. There are no words that encompass the magnitude of this anguish. The only one I can think of and use regularly is: agony. It is agony. While many - if not most - aspects of our life as a couple were unhealthy and toxic, there were many beautiful parts as well - namely our three girls - and it would be wrong to recall a decade together without recognizing that there was some magic in our union as well. Make no mistake, the dissolution of  a marriage is a death. And just like any death, it is a devastating loss. The grief and sorrow come in waves and without warning. The memories trickle in and trigger tears without consideration of time and place. Then come the pain, guilt, and shame. They are so very heavy and always there, camped out in a spot in your heart where they will live forever. You don't forget and move on, these new roommates make space. You learn to live with this little hole in your being, and try as you might, it cannot be filled with anything, ever. You must acknowledge the presence, recognize you are a different person, and adjust. This is much easier said than done, I'm afraid.

Scott and I have been very good about putting the kids first and being as cordial and civil as possible, and the kids, for the most part, are doing amazingly well considering. We share custody, we live five minutes from one another (I am on the boat with the kids, he in a condo down the road), and we attend recitals, school events and the like together. We spent Christmas Eve and Christmas day together as a family at Scott's house with some friends, we laughed and hugged and had a great time. We are trying as best we can. It's hard, I cannot lie. And there are many days I think "Is this all a dream? Will this pain go away? Will all this be worth it? Will this ever get easier?" and my friends and family assure me, that no, this is not a dream, yes, this is for the best and for sure it will get easier. But friends, it's hard. It is so, so, so very hard.


This new year has brought me a sense of release and purpose that I have not had. I can now write again, share my feelings and pain as well as my triumphs and adventures. I'm inspired and free. This unfortunate development is yet another layer in my life, and something I cannot ignore or gloss over. It is there, and will be here. This has been, and will continue to be my safe space in which to share. And I truly believe that maybe by sharing as honestly as I can (without airing dirty laundry or being disrespectful) it will lead me to a better place and, if I'm lucky, maybe help someone like me feel less alone.

Because we are never alone.

I am ready to share again but I understand if some of you no longer want to stay here. That's okay too.

Thank you for being patient with me.

220 comments:

«Oldest   ‹Older   201 – 220 of 220
Nathan Brown said...

This blog is very commendable www.havasuremodelinghandyman.com

Nathan Turner said...

This is very well composed! https://www.havasuflooringremodeling.com/

Finley Richards said...

What an informative and creative blog! www.avalonhavasu.com

Keaton Sweeney said...

What a detailed blog you got here! https://www.jtownmoldremediation.com/

Samuel Garner said...

Appreciate you for sharing this amazing blog! www.orlandparkductcleaning.com/

Remy Valentine said...

Grateful for the share! Click here

Cody Owen said...

Grateful for the share! https://www.edwardsvillehandymanremodeling.com

Aiden Spencer said...

This blog is very insightful https://www.2cconstruction.com/

Anonymous said...

this website is interesting

http://pressureperfectpropertyservices.com

Anonymous said...

thanks for sharing

https://www.pressureperfectpropertyservices.com

Roof and Gutter Cleaning Chehalis said...

Very insightful. We provide quality roof and gutter cleaning services in Chehalis Roof and Gutter Cleaning Chehalis

Overland refrigerator repairs said...

You are a GREAT blogger, i must say Thanks for post blog for us all the times.

Anonymous said...

The topic is highly informative. Well done on sharing it.
Tree Service Santa Fe

Anonymous said...

The topic is highly informative. Well done on sharing it.
Plastic Surgery El Paso

mama ji said...

You are a GREAT blogger, i must say Thanks for post blog for us all the times.
netgear login/

pikashow.ltd

Anonymous said...

You have a nice data! Thanks for sharing https://scottkeeverseo.com/

The Assignment Helpline said...

Get expert help with your Finance Planning Assignment Help. Our team of professionals will ensure you excel in your studies.

The Assignment Helpline said...


Looking for assistance with your personal finance assignments? Our article on Personal Finance Assignment Help provides valuable insights and tips to help you excel in your coursework. Get expert guidance and improve your understanding of financial concepts with our comprehensive guide.

Sand Solar & Gutter Cleaning LLC said...

https://sandsolarandguttercleaning.com/

Super fun read, love the blog!

joe said...

bankrupsy lawyers near me
"First, we break the barriers that confine us, shatter the limitations that hold us back, and fracture the doubts that chain our potential. Then, and only then, do we truly grow, expanding our horizons, nurturing our resilience, and blossoming into the best versions of ourselves."

«Oldest ‹Older   201 – 220 of 220   Newer› Newest»
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...